Is it time to set sail and take off from your current circumstances?
Being in the profession of speaking and coaching, I often get questions from participants and friends on how to resolve issues they face in their personal and professional lives. Some of the common questions include: "How to improve my relationship?", "How to improve my finances?", "How to deal with my anger/fear/guilt?", "How to enhance my career?", "How to get out of my current situation?", "How to free myself from this trap?" etc.
Most recently, one interesting question from a participant at the National University of Singapore was "How to be a millionnaire who is happy?". I thought this question was interesting because many people think that when they become millionnaires they will be happy, or at least many of their problems will be solved if they were millionnaires. So does being a millionnaire makes one happy? Or being happy makes one a millionnaire? What do you think?
Here's something about life events and circumstances that I like to discuss in this blog posting, and that is:
- regardless of what your education level is,
- regardless of which stage of life you are at,
- regardless of how much money you have,
- regardless of how successful you are,
- regardless of which part of the world you are living in,
- regardless of the physical materials you possess,
- regardless of how privileged your family background is,
- and regardless of.........,
you (most people will) come to a point where the CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES cannot fulfill you.
The sames goes for people who are facing challenges in relationship, career, money, family, health etc. They must be sick and tired of the challenging CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES that put them far from feeling fulfilled; and sooner or later this sickness and tiredness will cause them so much pain that they just want to get out of the CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES.
At this point where you feel so unfulfilled or painful with the CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES, you will be looking for changes, solutions, opportunities, answers, way outs, quick fixes, permanent freedom, saviours etc. All these fall under this category called "Breakthroughs". It is the breakthrough from the CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES that we want. So the next question that always follows is "How to Break Through?".
Before we discuss the "How", let's look at some pre-requisites for a breakthrough. Firstly, you must have had enough of the CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES (e.g. you have made enough money, you have enough of bad relationships). Secondly, the CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES must be painful enough for you to want to get out (e.g. you no longer want to feel trapped or stucked, you want badly to pick up the pieces and move on). Thirdly, you must be willing to do whatever it takes (responsibly) to get out (e.g. nothing can stop you, no "reasons", no "excuses", no "buts", no "what ifs, just "I WANT!").
The above are the key pre-requisities that I will assess in my clients who come to me for Personal Breakthrough Therapy (PBT). Because PBT is an extremely powerful and intensive process, it requires 100% commitment from the client in body and mind (both conscious and unconscious) for maximum and guaranteed results. As it is also an intensive session for the Coach/Therapist (me) usually over 6 - 8 hours, I love to work with clients who absolutely want to get out of their CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES and will do anything (responsibly) to achieve the results that they want.
After discussing about the pre-requisites for a breakthrough, let's move on to "How to Break Through?". There are many psychological methodologies that could probably help you do that. I strongly recommend you choose methodologies that work on your Mind (both conscious and unconscious), as this is where everything that was, is and will be reside. It is the place where you store your past, project your present and create your future. So where else to work on but your Mind, isn't it? For you want nothing less than permanent and effective results, would you not?
Among the psychological methodologies that work on the Unconscious Mind, I use a combination of several when working with my clients. They include Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Hypnotherapy and most importantly, Time Line TherapyTM. In the coming postings, I will be discussing more about them, especially Time Line TherapyTM, an amazingly-powerful methodology for personal breakthrough.
I was at Darling Harbour in Sydney for the "Mind, Body & Spirit" exhibition when the little girl in the above picture caught my attention. Seeing that it was a great picture opportunity to capture something that seems to say a message, I whipped out my camera and snapped. What do you see in the photo?
The little girl is seated right in the middle of something like an amphitheatre, with a fountain right in front of her (if not around her). To me, she is obviously enjoying the fountain, the sun, and THE MOMENT. And she is oblivious to the people around who are looking at her, some Asians with funny stares and westerns with smiles on their faces.
When was the last time you did something that you truly wanted to do and despite the "funny stares" or common logical/rational laymen objections? When was the last time you did something that made you feel alive like a child who is really playing? When was the last time you allowed yourself to engage in an uncommon activity that made you regain the innocence of a child in you?
All of us have a child inside us, and this child tends to spring out during moments we are playing and having fun. We could be playing at home or at work. We could be having fun with our friends, our colleagues, our customers, our partners, our acquaintances etc. I am a professional speaker who always play and have fun with my participants in my workshops. When I do that, I really ENJOY my work and I feel ALIVE.
Are you enjoying?
Are you having fun?
Are you playing?
Are you alive?
Are you excited?
Are you energetic?
Are you humourous?
Are you jovial?
Are you allowing yourself to be yourself?
Are you in touch with your inner child?
Are you allowing your inner fire to burn brightly?
If not, when was the last time? Perhaps now, could it not be? That's right, now.
This was an example that I related to the participants of my recent workshop on "The Psychology of Successful & Joyful Living" at the Singapore Institute of Management (SIM). It was used to explain unconscious dynamics and the effect on our life.
Recently, a lady spoke to me about issues she was facing in her marriage. Over the past close to 1 year she has been married, problems have surfaced with her in-laws and are causing strain on her relationship with her husband. In all fairness, she has been understanding and trying her best to make things work out. However, certain issues are really taking a toil on her.
Over more than an hour, I listened to her on the challenges she faced with her in-laws, and asked her questions to identify the crux of the problem. Finally, I got it when she said "Before I got married, I told my husband that my father will always be the most important man in my life." That was the key. I then proceeded to share with her what she would find difficult to comprehend and accept - she is not married to her husband yet, at least not fully.
My analysis on the possible unconscious dynamics causing the problems in her marriage:
She has a very strong bond with her father and thus feels guilty (unconsciously) marrying another man and "forsaking" her father. As such, she has unconsciously created the in-laws problems so that her marriage will not be happy (punishing herself because of her guilt). She consciously knows that If the in-laws problems continue, her marriage will be seriously strained and head downhill. If the marriage fails, she would probably have achieved her unconscious "want" of returning to her father's side.
Though she couldn't fully comprehend and accept what I had shared with her, she acknowledges that she is holding onto her father and cannot let go of him (this is her choice and I respect it). If both her husband and father were to drop into the sea, she would save her father without hesitation. Then I asked her who would her father want her to save, she replied "my husband". That's right, without a doubt too.
Coaching in action - stage confidence, stage presence, stage communication
Long before Anthony Robbins founded the field of Life Coaching close to 30 years ago, most people would probably associate the word “Coach” to sports. In the sports courts and fields we have football coaches, basketball coaches, table tennis coaches, badminton coaches and so on.
Over the years, “Coaching” has evolved to include areas outside sports. We now have coaches in almost any area including life, career, business, communication, performance, health, weight management, relationship, personal empowerment, motivation, and even sex.
Coaches are known to be a trained and experienced expert in their area of specialization. They probably have the relevant knowledge, and have walked the path that you want to take. They could also be expert in an area that is applicable across fields. For example a peak performance coach could coach managers, athletes and students to tap into their mental powers to enhance their performance in their respective field.
Why do people hire coaches? Because coaches can help to shorten your learning curve, and facilitate greater clarity and awareness. That’s why people are willing to pay premium rates for coaches because they can save time, effort and money that would otherwise be lost in trials and errors. Others seek coaches for relief of their emotional baggages that are weighing them down and causing problems in their lives.
Whether you are looking at hiring a coach for your life, career, business, relationship, communication skills or any other areas, there are things you may like to look out for to ensure that you hire the right coach. Here are seven points to consider in hiring a coach:
1.Credentials
Does the prospective coach have the necessary credentials? Is he or she qualified or certified by any professional bodies locally or overseas? Some more commonly known certifying bodies include the International Coach Federation (ICF) and American Board of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (ABNLP). Such organizations have stringent criteria for certification, and their members usually have to clock certain number of learning hours and pass examinations.
2.Experience
You may also want to consider if the prospective coach has the valuable experience that you could tap onto. If you were running a restaurant business, you would want to hire a coach with vast experience and a good track record in the food & beverage industry. In addition, does the prospective coach have experience in coaching individuals or organizations with backgrounds similar to yours? Like any other profession, experience counts.
3.Methodologies
Some coaches may use more structured methodologies in coaching, while others may coach from experience. Methodologies could range from motivational interview to NLP, results-based coaching, hypnotherapy, personality profiling, and other psychological interventions. Ensure that you are comfortable with the methodologies that will be used, and state upfront what you are not comfortable with. You, as the client always make the last call.
4.Coaching Fees
Coaching may take between 1 hour to 3 hours per session, and a coaching relationship could last from 1 session to many sessions over months. It depends on the client’s objectives and the nature of coaching carried out. As such, it is important to be clear about what you would be paying. Coaching fees could range from $100 per hour to $1000 per hour as determined by the coach or the organization he represents. Ensure that the fees are within your means. You wouldn’t want to clear one life issue with coaching and get into a financial predicament.
5.Additional Support
Other than face-to-face coaching, some coaches offer phone coaching, SMS coaching and email coaching. These could also be the additional supports that he provides to you during the period of the coaching relationship. Check with the prospective coach if his coaching services and fees include reasonable email and SMS correspondence, phone calls etc. In addition, be clear about where the coaching will take place – at his office, your office, your home or at a public area. The last is usually the least preferred due to a lack of privacy.
6.Your Interests
Choose a coach who is professional and has your interests at heart. A coaching relationship is one that is professionally intimate and confidential. A coach takes a strong interest in his client’s progress, places his client’s interests at high priority, and yet respects the client’s choices. If you feel uncomfortable about anything anytime during a coaching session, voice your concerns and a professional coach will go with your decision and preference.
7.Connection
There is this special “heart” factor that makes one coach more suitable than another. It is not differentiated in terms of expertise or experience, and certainly not about reputation and costs. It is about the sense of unconscious rapport and connection between a coach and a client. Even the world’s number 1 coach cannot be a good coach to everyone. The psychological aspects of projection and transference could affect the results and outcomes of coaching. Choose one whom you feel there is comfortable affinity, rapport, and connection.
In my emotions mastery (EQ) training workshops, I often use an activity to illustrate the emotional baggages that we carry in our lives. It goes like this:
- I will get one of the participant to stand at a certain distance away from me
- I will start throwing rubber balls to him, one at a time
- He will catch each ball and hold onto all the balls
- The more I throw, the more he has to catch and hold onto
- After a while, his hands and arms will be filled with rubber balls
- At this time, I will unexpectedly thrown a soft toy at him
- In his bid to catch the soft toy, he will inevitably drop many of the balls
Each rubber ball signifies an experience with a negative emotion that we hold onto - and emotional baggage. As we grow up, we "collect" more and more emotional baggages. The soft toy signifies the intimate relationship that we want, or a good thing in life that we want. However, when it comes into our lives, with our hands and hearts full of emotional baggages, how could we receive this good thing?
Emotional baggages take up space in us and drain us of energy. They fill the spaces in our hearts, and as such good things like intimate relationships, happiness, joy, peace, excitement, love etc has no space to grow. Carrying emotional baggages also requires a lot of energy, and thus we would be tired out, burdened and cannot walk as fast as we want to.
Someone with a lot of emotional baggages will not be able to accept the good things that come into his life. In addition, when a potential life partner walks into his life, he would consciously and unconsciously "offload" his emotional baggages onto her after the initial honeymoon phase. This partner will feel very uncomfortable, unhappy, suffocated, rejected, controlled, burdened etc. And slowly, she will move away from him, ending the relationship.
Emotional baggages not only affect our intimate relationship, but also our social and professional relationships. You must have seen amongst your friends, classmates and colleagues some of whom are "difficult people". They could be anti-social, always negative, pessimistic, difficult to connect with, challenging to work with, dependant on others etc. These are people around us who are most probably carrying a lot of emotional baggages that are weighing down the life in them. They are not able to truly live life alive.
People who are free of emotional baggages (or have few emotional baggages) are usually more alive. They are passionate, excited and warm. They are like 'Tiggers", fun-loving and approachable. On the flip side are "Eeyores", pessimistic, lethargic and sad. Are you a Tigger or an Eeyore? Do you have more Tiggers or Eeyores around you?
Why don't you decide to start letting go of your emotional baggages and live like a Tigger, right now. You would like to be as happy and carefree like Tigger, wouldn't you? And since you know that you can, why don't you, isn't it? Go ahead, right now........
I am nursing a headache, quite a severe one. It seems better now, after I have come to realize the reason behind the headache.
A few hours earlier, this headache hit me, making me want to come home to rest. I did. Being someone who understands that our body give us messages about what is not in balance psychologically, I became curious about what is this headache trying to tell me? I posed the question within, and let it go. Very quickly, the answer came.
It was a suppressed negative emotion that I have been experiencing recently. This suppressed emotion has been suppressed for over the past 15 - 20 years, and all along I thought I had dealt with it already. But recently, dynamics similar to 15 years ago took place again and this negative emotion that has been long suppressed returned.
I remember 15 - 20 years ago, when I experienced that emotion, I was thrown off balance totally. I was out and down, drowning in an emotions tsunami. Then, I didn't have the mental, emotional and spiritual maturity and awareness then to deal with it. Guess that was the reason I had suppressed it for so long. I must have suppressed it to such an extent that I had forgotten about its existence.
Now, I am reminded of its existence, and I am glad that with my own learning and training in psychology and therapy, I am now more empowered to handle this negative emotion. I must say that it is still not easy, but with higher awareness and consciousness, it is now much easier than it was 15 years ago.
Negative emotions could be such. They could be kept in a corner of our mind for a long time until our unconscious mind decides that it is time for us to deal with it. And our unconscious mind always knows what is the best time to resurface that negative emotion to our consciousness for resolution. Thus when we are presented with a past negative emotion, make good use of the re-presentation to resolve it, once and for all.
Now has come another opportunity for me to resolve this 15-year-old negative emotion, and I trust that it is happening now for a reason and this is probably the best time to deal with it. As such, I will call upon the strength of my mental, emotional and spiritual intelligence to help me.
